I hadn’t gotten high in months.
Because the last few times I did, I got existentially sad. Go figure.
But I decided to get high again last night. No one else was home, it was just me, a joint and my honest thoughts.
Boy did I get honest with myself.
I recorded myself and the resultant emotional breakdown/breakthrough.
I’ve decided I’ll publish some transcripts from those recordings. Below is the first one.
I am so shit scared that I have imprinted you on my life so much…you…That’s what it is.
You have left such an imprint on me because you were the man I loved when I was living the most reckless, self-indulgent, selfish, exhilarating, caution to the wind, living on the edge of life, leaning into the universe, two years (I think that makes sense, grammatically). You were the man I loved when I was living that kind of life, which made me fall in love with life.
YOU WERE THE MAN I LOVED WHEN I FELL IN LOVE WITH LIFE.
Holy fuck. Is that not a poem or something?
I, the, I can’t even think of of our relationship without thinking of the life I led that was just mine, it’s not, you didn’t do those things in my life that i fell in love with. I just loved you at the same time. You didn’t cause these things, I caused these things. I was the one pushing my life to the furthest it had ever been before. I had started over. I just picked up my life and moved it half-way across the world. I was in it, that was mine. I sat in it. I sat in it and moved around in it and I engraved myself onto my own life.
I’m so sad. And I’m so scared.
That I fell in love with my own life and I can’t, I can’t recreate it.
And I’ll spend my whole life chasing this.
I feel like I did life heroin. I feel like I did life heroin. Oh my God.
I’m in so much pain
I feel like I’m imploding.
Oh, Jesus. I think I’m addicted to the destruction.
I think I am doing life heroin. Well someone who’s doing life heroin would feel like they were doing life heroin and that’s the fucking paradox. I don’t think paradox is the right word…
I just keep doing this to myself and I think I’m addicted to it.
Oh, God, I hate myself.
Now I’ve gone an upset the dog