Life Heroin

I hadn’t gotten high in months.
Because the last few times I did, I got existentially sad.  Go figure.

But I decided to get high again last night.  No one else was home, it was just me, a joint and my honest thoughts.
Boy did I get honest with myself.

I recorded myself and the resultant emotional breakdown/breakthrough.

I’ve decided I’ll publish some transcripts from those recordings.  Below is the first one.


I am so shit scared that I have imprinted you on my life so much…you…That’s what it is.
You have left such an imprint on me because you were the man I loved when I was living the most reckless, self-indulgent, selfish, exhilarating, caution to the wind, living on the edge of life, leaning into the universe, two years (I think that makes sense, grammatically).  You were the man I loved when I was living that kind of life, which made me fall in love with life.

YOU WERE THE MAN I LOVED WHEN I FELL IN LOVE WITH LIFE.

Holy fuck.  Is that not a poem or something?

I, the, I can’t even think of of our relationship without thinking of the life I led that was just mine, it’s not, you didn’t do those things in my life that i fell in love with.  I just loved you at the same time.   You didn’t cause these things, I caused these things.  I was the one pushing my life to the furthest it had ever been before.  I had started over.  I just picked up my life and moved it half-way across the world.  I was in it, that was mine.  I sat in it.  I sat in it and moved around in it and I engraved myself onto my own life.  

I’m so sad.  And I’m so scared.
That I fell in love with my own life and I can’t, I can’t recreate it.
And I’ll spend my whole life chasing this.

I feel like I did life heroin.  I feel like I did life heroin.  Oh my God.

I’m in so much pain

I feel like I’m imploding.

Oh, Jesus.  I think I’m addicted to the destruction.
I think I am doing life heroin.  Well someone who’s doing life heroin would feel like they were doing life heroin and that’s the fucking paradox.  I don’t think paradox is the right word…

I just keep doing this to myself and I think I’m addicted to it.
Oh, God, I hate myself.

Now I’ve gone an upset the dog

Sardonic.

 

xx K

What doesn’t kill you

I have a tendency of being very comfortable being melancholy.  It’s like my default setting.  Being happy and positive is like putting on someone else’s skin.  It’s foreign, ill-fitting and sticky.  I feel like positive people are just deluding themselves – ignorance is bliss.  This is exactly my problem with religion.  Too put it very simply, I think that peoples’ need to have faith in something larger than themselves serves only to relieve themselves of the weight of their own decisions/consequences.  Yet there are people who are not religious yet are still happy, positive people so it is possible.

I keep forgetting to be a different person to who I was in Sydney.  Not that I want to completely revolutionize my personality.  I don’t think there is anything wrong with me per se except my depressive and self-limiting leanings.  I’m struggling not to let the hardships of this move, both the financial and emotional ones, get the better of me.

Two months in and I still don’t have a job in media.  This I cannot control but I feel like it’s controlling me.  I just get so frustrated.  Perhaps it’s because I can’t help but feel like I’m not getting recognised for my worth but also because it’s causing financial difficulties.  I came to London to live and I still feel like I’m living half a life because I’m not able to do the things I want for fear of being broke.  I guess that’s half the excitement though, right?  Living paycheck to paycheck is something I can do now and preferably not when I’m fifty and have a mortgage and kids.

The guy I slept with is messing with my head.  I knew this would happen.  To be fair I’ve handled this sexual encounter much better than I’ve handled past ones.  And to be fair to H, he’s handled it much better than the past guys.  We’re still talking everyday but it’s getting a bit messy because I don’t know where he stands.  He’ll send me snapchats of him in various shirtless situations but then find all these reasons to not hang out.  I don’t know what to make of it.  To make matters worse, I feel like I’m dealing with this all on my own.  I don’t have my best friends to help me make heads or tails of it.  That may be a good thing though because I do have a tendency of over-thinking things and talking about it just makes it worse.  I haven’t told my sister about it.  Not sure why, I just don’t think she’d approve.  She’s been very supportive in these past months but she has a history of being quite judgmental of my romantic/sexual choices.

It’s getting cold in London and I’m finally beginning to feel like this city is my new home.  I’m settling in.  I went to the Victoria and Albert Museum, a One Direction concert (at the insistence of my older sister), Hackney City Farm, the Columbia Road flower markets and walked the canals of Little Venice.  I’m making good memories.

London limbo with two friends and too many feels

Listen.  Moving to other city, half-way across the world is hard.  It’s even harder when you’re having a really shitty day and you only have two friends and one sister to whinge to.   I’m doing some temporary reception work at the moment and the place I started at yesterday is not the greatest place to work at.  I was complaining to my sister about how shitty I was feeling about it and she got a bit annoyed with me.  She’s currently unemployed and she said she felt like I was obsessing over the negatives and not recognising the positives, which is a fair comment, but I realised then how difficult the situation was.

I was pouring out all my frustrations to my sister because she’s really the only person over here that I can speak frankly with.  I do realise that I am fortunate to actually be earning pounds as opposed to spending them.  I am grateful to have something to get me out of the house and allow me to use my brain.  I was just having a bad day and the reality is that until I start making meaningful connections with other people in London, I have to learn how to handle them without over-burdening the few people who are currently in my life.

I’m just getting a bit frustrated with how slowly the job hunt is going.  I got put forward for two “immediate start” roles over a month ago and have not gotten anywhere but apparently that’s the norm in London and it’s incredibly frustrating.

I have done a bit more sightseeing and getting more comfortable at home.  Might do a separate post about that soon.

til then.

xx K